Lakers Guide To Hating The Celtics

Article from today's LA Times.

(TJ, you can read the full article here: http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/sports_blog/2010/05/ted-green-your-guide-to-hating-the-celtics.html)

Ted Green: Your guide to hating the Celtics

A Guide to Hating the Celtics!

We begin with two storylines, premises, really, that you must understand up front:

1) The Celtics cry. They cry more than Best Actress winners at the Oscars. They cry like every game is a wedding. Every time a call goes against them, there will be more tears than Kleenex can handle.

2) The Celtics also foul. They foul on every play. They foul everyone, from stars to scrubs. They foul as a strategy. They foul as a style. They foul as a tradition.

Now, so you can hate them properly and profoundly, here they are, the Boston Celtics:

No. 34, Paul Pierce: He is their best scorer and a load for anyone to guard, including Ron Artest. But the Celtics' captain flops more than a large-mouthed bass taking his last breath while dangling from a fishing line at the end of a pier. Every time Pierce shoots, he acts like he's been hit by a train. Usually, he hasn't been touched. Two years ago, he fell during the Finals against the Lakers and went off in a wheelchair. An actual wheelchair! Five minutes later, he was dropping three-pointers all over TD Banknorth Garden. He actually came back into the game with the music from "Rocky" blaring over the public-address system. Yo, Paulie, that was such a bad con job, Sylvester Stallone is a better actor than your are. If you'll be seeing him for the first time, you'll hate him before the first quarter of Game 1 is even close to over, guaranteed. And by the way, Pablo, your headband is usually crooked. [For the record: An earlier version of this post contained an inappropriate comment about Pierce relating to an incident in 2000 in which he was stabbed repeatedly. That comment should not have been published and has been removed.]

No. 5, Kevin Garnett: Last you may have seen him, he was goin' all Karate Kid upside the arms of Dwight Howard in Game 6 of the Eastern Conference finals. Hey, K.G., who's your instructor, Mr. Miyagi? Garnett is, or maybe was, a great player, Hall of Fame caliber, but once he joined the Celtics, he officially became annoying, arrogant and insufferable, like the rest of them.

No. 20, Ray Allen: This guy is one of the greatest jump shooters in basketball history. Totally clutch. And he may have the prettiest stroke ever. Money when it matters. He's also a heckuva nice guy, even though his momma stands up too much and looks like she's even cockier than K.G. I know I'm not giving you any reason to hate him, but never forget the overriding issue: that damn green uniform.

No. 43, Kendrick Perkins: This guy looks meaner than Cerberus, the three-headed dog who guarded the gates of Hades. You get scared just looking at his picture on Google images. He looks like he would shove his grandma in the middle of the back if it meant getting a rebound. Perkins has the offensive skill set of your average blacksmith or lumberjack. Instead, he does what can euphemistically be called a lot of the dirtywork for the Celtics, dirty being the operative word. He'll have six fouls by the second quarter, two of which are called. He is also a human moving screen. He sets the only pick in the NBA where the player is actually running full-speed into the man he's screening. This is very often not called a foul, just because he's a Celtic. He is prone to getting technical fouls, usually immediately after waking up in the morning.

No. 9, Rajon Rondo. This is the point guard who is faster than any Laker. He's an emerging star and acts like it, too. If he were any more conceited, he'd dribble with his left hand and carry a hand-mirror with his right. He preens more than TV news anchors. If he has a weakness, other than the villainous franchise he suits up for, it's his shooting. He has trouble making open five-footers in empty gyms, much less full arenas. Just remember this kid is, like, 8 years old and already as arrogant as the rest of them.

No. 30, Rasheed Wallace. This old grump has been an unmitigated pain since he came into the league. He has two emotions: angry and mad. The technical fine money he's paid could fund many third World countries. He's also at least 52 years old. In every game, bar none, he will a) commit the most obvious foul ever; b) cry to the ref and then, c) act like the whole world is against him. Which, in fact, it is.

No. 11, Glen Davis. They call this one Big Baby. Right on both counts. Right now he's about two Krispy Kremes shy of Stanley Roberts, who ate himself out of the league. If he and Perkins and 'Sheed and KG have 24 fouls between them, trust me on this, they will use all 72.

And now, in the names of Rondo and Hondo, plus the Jones boys, that hatchet, Tommy Heinsohn, the butcher Dave Cowens, that Rambis killer McHale and even Larry Legend and the infernal Cigar, Red Auerbach himself, the NBA Finals are still five days away and I already hate every one of them to pieces.

--Ted Green

yep, this is the article I referenced in my post earlier. haha

Actually, it's not so bad once they took out the stabbing of Pierce...
I say hate away, in fact, I hope they hate the C's even more when the finals are over....

not at all bad after that was removed-- i'll admit to having laughed at a few descriptions

I don't agree with everythiing said, but laughed at all of them.

I actually think it is pretty funny too. Maybe we can start our own guide to the Lakers out here....bet it would be equally entertaining.

Or not.

You are a barrel of laughs these days Sam.

Figured the Celtics making it to the finals would put you in a good mood.

Or not.

Mrkleen, I'm a perpetual barrel of laughs and almost always in a good mood, regardless of life around me. I also like to think I know what I'm doing as moderator of a message board involving both Celtics and Lakers fans at a potentially sensitive—even volatile—time..

Sam

MustangGator: That picture of Cheryl Ladd brings back fond memories of the 70's and wishing it was (too me) Farrah not withstanding RIP Cheryl, Charlie's most heavenly angel, that robbed me of my virginity

MrKleen: That article was too funny! The old gang from SNL could have really taken that and run with it. Eddie Murphy, Dan Ackroyd, Bill Murray, Steve Martin, Jane Curtin, and Gilda Radner. (LOL)-MD!

Sam - If you read the above article it was actually funny, and all of the comments above attest to that. Nothing volatile about it in the slightest.

To MrKleen: I don't think Sam meant that there was anything volatile happening now, but in theory he has to keep a close watch on things as to how potentially volatile situations could get between the rival factions during the Finals!-MD

MDCelticsFan wrote:MustangGator: That picture of Cheryl Ladd brings back fond memories of the 70's and wishing it was (too me) Farrah not withstanding RIP Cheryl, Charlie's most heavenly angel, that robbed me of my virginity

MrKleen: That article was too funny! The old gang from SNL could have really taken that and run with it. Eddie Murphy, Dan Ackroyd, Bill Murray, Steve Martin, Jane Curtin, and Gilda Radner. (LOL)-MD!

MD,

How can it be considered "robbery", if you were running after the robber throwing your goods at her and begging her to take them?

bob

.

Mrkleen,

You might want to look up the word "potentially," which was used to modify both my words "sensitive" and "volatile." I never referred to the article as "volatile." I was referring to potential for the tone of the forum at a sensitive time. Please don't even begin to manufacture straw men by altering my clear intent and then casting aspersions on that fabricated intent.

I read the article, and much of it was funny. But it was published by a newspaper which has, among its missions, entertainment of the public and which presumably employs professionals to screen the appropriateness of submissions before they appear publicly in print. Amateur efforts along the same line are not subject to professional screening (or any screening, for that matter, until they appear on the board) and are not guaranteed to achieve the same level of comic relief despite the best efforts of posters.

If you really want to get deeply into this triviality, I'd prefer to take care of it off the board. You're welcome to contact me by private message.

Sam

Sam

I am aware of the definition of potentially - I am also aware of the definition of paranoid and overbearing.

I think your post about being aware of the potential to get out of hand during this time was well placed and well considered. It was a shot across the bow that was needed and was well written.

But I cant think of anything more bland and boring than a 3 week Lakers vs. Celtics love fest out here. The whole point of a Celtics fan board is for us to have some fun with the opponent - and debate the differences and idiosyncrasies of each team, coach, city etc.

And trying to now claim some artificial standard that "if you cant make it as funny as a newspaper with professional writers, then dont write it" - is just silly.

Hi,
Nice caricatures. Since the author used facts and actual events to draw them I'll try to respond using the same.
#34: nice move to remove references to PP's stabbing. The game in NBA playoffs is more mental than physical, so, if Doc could figure out how to translate number/speed of flops into the number of points scored/denied all 5 Celtics would be flopping on the floor and the bench standing on the chairs and doing hula dance.
#5: Yes he's wild, yes he exudes intensity. Why do you think Celtics are here?
#20: When you're class act you are class act. And it's pretty lame to use his mother as a target instead.
#43: This is a good one. Just one addition: he's called for those screens 9 times out of 10.
#9: Ted Green failed to mention that RR can also dribble, juggle hand-mirror and hair brush, run and see the precise positions of all 9 players on the floor. Also, I'd rather have PG who runs, passes, steals and sees the court like Rajon Rondo and shoots like Shag FT than PG who shoots 60%FG and runs like Shaq.
The bench: Here TG failed completely - he didn't mention #4: 5-9 alone is enough to right a short novel.

AK

But it was published by a newspaper which has, among its missions, entertainment of the public and which presumably employs professionals to screen the appropriateness of submissions before they appear publicly in print. Amateur efforts along the same line are not subject to professional screening (or any screening, for that matter, until they appear on the board) and are not guaranteed to achieve the same level of comic relief despite the best efforts of posters.


hahahah this, taken out of context, is HILARIOUS in light of the wildly inappropriate stabbing comment that made it through that (apparently) rigorous screening process, only to be removed retroactively after it received negative press...

not trying to fan the fire or anything here, just pointing out that anyone paid to "screen the appropriateness" of this submission should be out of a job.

Saw something somewhere where the players were ranked by ability.
Lakers had 1 and 3 Celts had 2 4 5 6 7. Not saying its right or wrong. To me the C's seem to have an overall stronger team.

Kobe can win a game virtually by himself and the C's have no one like him. C's need to make him shoot outside and if he's draining them there isn't much else you can do.

Also saw some on a comment board say offense wins championships.

Guess we shall see soon enough.

beat

beat,

This is just my opinion, but if you were having a game and lined up all of the players and picked just liked we did when we were kids, I think this would be the order:
1) Kobe
2) Rondo
3) Gasol
4) Pierce
5) Allen
6) Garnett
7) Odom
8 Bynum
9/10) Perkins/Rasheed or Rasheed/Perkins
11) Brown

Mrkleen,

You think the policy I'm setting is "silly." You choose to characterize me (or at least my opinions) as "paranoid." What a sage approach to proving that your standards pose no risk at inadvertently going over the line of antagonism in seeking your version of "fun!"

Actually, my positions tend to be the product of considerable thought and consultation with the other administrators. I'd call them "careful" rather than "silly" (stupendous support for that line, by the way) and "paranoid."

I asked you politely to go off the board if you wish to continue this side discussion between the two of us. I can guarantee that not one further syllable on the matter will appear on this thread for a matter of more than seconds. Please use the PM feature if you require further clarification.

Thank you.

Sam

I dreaded reading it from the title, but it was pretty funny all in all.


I thought the Perk description was by far the best- not only hilarious but pretty accurate for the most part. He DOES look meaner than Cerberus and like he'd shove his grandma out of the way to get a rebound. (I wish Bynum had more of Perkins mean streak in him. He's more like Ferdinand the bull a lot of times.)

The Ray description was funny and telling in the fact that the writer really couldn't knock Ray. Ray's always been a class act, so the fact that the writer had to go to mom jokes (right out of third grade) says all you need to know.

Sheed getting dogged is ALWAYS funny.

I thought Pierce and Rondo's descriptions were so-so, but each had one great line (flopping like a large mouthed bass for PP and 8 years old and already as arrogant as the rest for Rondo).

I thought he whiffed on KG and BBD.

Overall, though- not bad.

I'm sure we'll see something similar on the internets soon lampooning the LAL.
Talk about a cast of characters. Kobe, Pau, LO, Ron and Fish lend themselves to some very funny descriptions.

NESportsFan,

I guess my point was that what gets written in a sports message board is not subject to the pre-publication scrutiny of what appears in a major daily newspaper. I am not privy to how well or poorly the L.A. Times may have discharged their responsibility in that specific instance.

In fact, I guess my position is pretty well strengthened by the fact that even a submission to a major league newspaper can be subject to poor judgment. I guess it could be hypothesized that such a situation could never occur given the exalted standards self-imposed by every member of a message board.

As the person most responsible for how this board is run, I guess I do not choose to make that assumption.

I'll be glad to continue discussing this with you off the board if you have the interest.

Thanks for not wanting to fan flames.

Sam

Sam-

I think the good news here is that this piece was posted by a Cs fan and that Cs fans on the board seem to think that it's mostly pretty funny stuff.

A similar article about the Lakers posted on Lakersground would not get such a universally mature, good-natured reception.

I am in no way attempting to contradict your points, as I think you are right. I'm just saying the reaction to the article from the board is a good omen.

Tj

Agreed till we get to the bottom
I'd put Perk ahead of Bynum and Odom. But it's close.
Davis could also be ahead of Brown but I'm looking at starters only cept Odom cause he plays starters minutes most of the time.

beat

tjmakz wrote:beat,

This is just my opinion, but if you were having a game and lined up all of the players and picked just liked we did when we were kids, I think this would be the order:
1) Kobe
2) Rondo
3) Gasol
4) Pierce
5) Allen
6) Garnett
7) Odom
8 Bynum
9/10) Perkins/Rasheed or Rasheed/Perkins
11) Brown

tj and beat,

That would be some playground game you two are picking players for!

I think I would go with TJ's list above, with perhaps a minor tweak of switching Allen and Garnett.

I don't know about you two, but I used to go fairly high up on the playground (not bragging, it was just a neighborhood filled with kids with little vertical leap and questionable shooting, including me!) ; I'm fairly sure we all get picked way below 11 here!

Regards