OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT OF A NEW CONTEST

Ii made this announcement on another thread (Post-game Thread: Celtics-Hornets), but I'm now officially calling attention to it with this dedicated thread. (Entries on the other thread also count.)

Kelly Green and I were discussing the third-quarter meltdowns and I happened to mention that maybe the Celts equipment people were in cahoots with the Lakers and were inserting slow-release anthills in the Celtics' sneakers at halftime. That made me think about how we could all use our own all-star break from the serious, morose conjecturing while we wait for trade winds to come to a head or go away.

So I say let's start a conspiracy theory. How about an impromptu conspiracy theory contest. The best conspiracy theory explaining why the Celtics fade after a few minutes of the third quarter wins a free subscription next year. This is not a joke. This is now an official contest. And originality and creativity count. I'm the judge. (That's original and creative already.) But, unless we get at least a dozen entries, the contest is off. (We got about three on the other thread.)

I'm serious now. Get those contest entries in. I'm waiting for entries.

Sam

Sam,

What kind of time-frame are we talking? I won't be able to really think about this until tomorrow.

How many entries per person?

gyso

The deadline will be the tipoff of the Celtics' next game (if you don't count wheelchair tag): about 10:00 p.m. on February 16, 2010. The maximum number of entries per person will be 2,397. This is one contest where you won't get a totally straight answer out of me. Just have fun with it. Exercise your creative bent. And if it's not bent, don't fix it. Right, Harpo? Beep beep.

Sam

I'll do anything you say. In fact I'll even stay. But I must be going.

Sam: I don't know how you want the answers to the contest question so I'll just give you mine now: Greenkiller with a Mission Impossible removable face sneaks into the Celts locker room at halftime and puts Sominex in the Gatorade. The team then sleepwalks through the 3rd Quarter!-MD.

Maybe they got too much irish in them.

Show up at the game drunk, full of confidence (or is it lack of inhibitions), pass out at half time and then wake up hungover in time for the 3rd, starting to sober up again at the end of 4th when its too late.

I'm loving this!

More! More! More!

Rondo has a sponsorship deal with Red Bull so the team could have access to mass quantities of the stuff. Red Bull does give you wings, but if you've ever drank the stuff you know that Red Bull also abruptly reclaims those wings without warning! Could our 3rd quarter collapse really be a Red Bull crash in disguise?!

Kelly: Then maybe Rondo should have had his agent cut a deal with 5 hour energy instead!-MD.

In this fan's not so humble opinion, the Celtics are suffering from SHD, Serious Hug Deprivation.

Few fans realize that the Celtics have a storied tradition of hugging, dating back to their first year in the old BAA, 1946. Everyone thinks that their first coach, John 'Honey' Russell, with a nickname like that, must have been a sweetheart of a guy. Nothing could be further from the truth. Honey was a stinking sourpuss of a coach. Midway through that first Celtic season, he got so fed up with the fumbling, bumbling antics of starting center Chuck Connors that, copying a move from his favorite wrestler in the old Boston Arena, Haystacks Calhoun, Honey tried to squeeze the life out of the future Rifleman.

Honey's players, cellar-dwelling bunch that they were, none of whom had the basketball IQ of an ant, mistook Honey's move as a gesture of affection and instantly engaged in a spontaneous orgy of hugging, including double hugs, triple hugs, and yes, the first recorded team hug in the history of professional sports.

The next Celtics coach, that playful prankster, Alvin 'Doggie' Julian, acutely aware of the importance of a well-timed hug, liked to sneak up on his players and lay it on them from behind while singing in their ears, "Bow wow wow, yippy yo, yippy yay!" The players not surprisingly termed this type of hug from behind, the Doggie position.

When Red Auerbach took over the team in 1950, reporters infamously attacked him in his first press conference for failing to draft 'local yokel' Bob Cousy. Celtics owner Walter Brown, a bear of a man, felt so bad for his feisty new coach that, right in front of the press, he gave him a big hard hug, so powerful, in fact, that Red turned blue and Brown turned pink with embarrassment - while certain writers turned green with envy. It was a colorful moment indeed.

One of the most famous Celtic hugs took place a few years later after Bob Cousy, who, despite Red's refusal to draft him, nevertheless joined the team like a rabbit pulled out of a hat. Cooz complained of a bad back. Team enforcer and Cousy bodyguard, the 6'5", 265 lb Bob Brannum, fearing for the health of his meal ticket, and remembering the team tradition of the hug, grabbed Cooz up in a gigantic squeeze and chiropractically snapped his spine back into place.

After Brannum moved on to hugs unknown, the new enforcer, Jungle Jim Loscutoff, took over his duties of keeping Cooz's back in the straight as an arrow position. Loscy, infused with the overwhelming team spirit of those days, didn't confine his hugs to Cousy alone. Whenever a teammate appeared down, Loscy would go over and give him the big squeeze.

In John Havlicek's rookie training camp, before his first practice, Loscy approached him with the intent of an introductory hug. Now Havlicek had arrived in Boston directly from Cleveland where he had participated in the Brown's preseason games and suffered the not inconsiderable indignity of being body tackled by the well-named Big Daddy Lipscomb. Havlicek later described the feeling of being on the bottom of a pile with Big Daddy on top of him and his helmet twisted sideways and his shoulder pads shoved into his mouth. His words at the time were, "Boy, this is a tough game."

So, when Loscy, who was built like a linebacker, approached him only a few weeks later, no one could really blame the man called Hondo for shouting out, rather hysterically, "Somebody keep that big gorilla off of me!"

Fastforward to the present, where the team is clearly suffering from SHD. But who should be the designated hugger? Perk, who looks like he could squeeze the stuffing out of an unstuffed chicken? KG, whose hugs might pack the intensity of a nookular bum? Or Big Baby, who's nickname alone, well, who better to get a hug from than the big bambino?

Except, there's a little known story about coach Glenn 'Doc' Rivers, who, when he played for Atlanta, was witnessed putting his arm around a teammate who had tried but failed to bite an opposing player's finger off. After the hug, as Doc walked off the floor, Danny Ainge, watching, grimacing, was heard to say, "There goes Doc Rivers, the original Tree hugger."

Eddie would be the DH (Designated Hugger) today.

Sam

I'm just worried that people who read this aren't going to take my post seriously. Everyone knows what happened to the Red Sox when they traded away their last Designated Hugger, Manny Ramirez. No more World Series wins. Now it's going to be another 86 years before they win it again.

The Celts are clearly suffering from the effects of SHD. Lack of focus, discontinuity, players crying in public. And this is only the beginning. Maybe we can get Posey back. Pay him whatever he wants. How many guys have that magic in their hugs? What's Loscy doing these days?

It isn't too late. I don't want to wait another 22 years. As Shakespeare might have said, A hug! A hug! My kingdom for a hug.

It's not a conspiracy at all. It's an invasion.

I can't believe I'm the only one who has seen the dead look in the Celtic players' eyes in the 3rd quarter. Eyes that were ferocious in '08, when they defied the pundits and critics and created immediate chemistry using the magical power of Ubuntu. Unyielding eyes like wounded, cornered maneating carnivores last season when they were severely shorthanded and were being worn down Chicago and Orlando. Those looks are gone now, replaced by the eyes of the zombies in Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

That's not a conspiracy, that's an invasion. They're here, they're real and they own our Celtics.

Go ahead and laugh, if it'll make you feel better, but laughing doesn't refute the evidence.

bob

bob

I was planning on attending a game in the Garden one of these nights, but after reading your post, I think I'll stay away. Have you seen the looks in the eyes of the fans?

I feel like Tippi Hedren at the end of the film, The Birds, as she's being led out of the house, with birds all around, in the wires and in the trees, "Nooo, nooo."

I think I already posted my theory a while back on another thead but here goes again: Our superheroes change uniforms at half time and the evil Dr. Runoverbya Buss has his evil doers switch uniforms in the locker room during the second quarter. These bad uniforms are laced with a kryptonite (green, so it blends right in). The kryptonite has a half life of about one to two quarters so sometime in the 4th quarter our superheroes come back to life but it's almost always to late! That diabolical EVIL genius of Lalaville has struck again. Dang!

think this loscutoff dude can be wooed outta retirement? We could use a big shot of nasty...

posted on the other thread, but i'm re-printing my conspiracy theory here ...
conspiracy theory - THE REF'S are obviously out to keep us from our rightful place on the throne. their conspiracy is obvious. the last foul called on a PP drive to the hoop was December 25th. since then they have ignored 3,742 fouls. and that's just on Pierce. you expect me to believe that Glen Davis gets stuffed all those times he does without any contact at all ??? and Rondo spends so much time on the floor i think he's investigating the construction of the hardwood, and he only gets about half the calls he should.

the reverse is the same picture - phantom calls. Perk gets called for traveling more than most other TEAMS do in a game. Sheed's reputation preceeds him, and he can get a clean ball slap in and knock it away and get called. that's why he jabbers so much - it's totally unfair, and he's right and the ref's are wrong, BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL IN ON IT ! THEY ARE ALL OUT TO GET US - AND IT'S ALL DUE TO THE LUSTER OF OUR LEGEND !!!!!

i am surprised to be the first one to point out this obvious theory !

best regards,
Michael

Bob,

We're not making light of any glaze in the Celtics' eyes. But I started this nonsense in the hopes of diluting the doom and gloom a bit. We can bitch and moan all we want, but it won't change a thing.

Few seem to want to accept my theory that (1) the problem is largely executional and is caused primarily by the incessant accumulation of discontinuity (right up through the yo yo-ing of Paul Pierce and the lineup)...and (2) manifestations such as glazed eyes are far more the effects rather than the cause of the problem.

People are certainly welcome to discount that proposition, but I'm the one who's unabashedly and eagerly anticipating the Celtics' immediate future. For those who aspire to misery, I know where they can rent the movie of the same name, make some popcorn, have Cathy Bates over, and wallow in it. Not I.

GO CELTICS!

Sam

Sam

I am trending oddly hopeful. Visions of Quis resting Ray and PP dancing in my head. Also I know the Celtics are seeing all this crap being written about them. At some point they are just gonna go off on somebody.

It is going to be fun to watch the team with all the options (minus kg to some degree) we had hoped for at the start of the season when things were looking so good.

Sam wrote:Bob,

We're not making light of any glaze in the Celtics' eyes. But I started this nonsense in the hopes of diluting the doom and gloom a bit. We can bitch and moan all we want, but it won't change a thing.

Few seem to want to accept my theory that (1) the problem is largely executional and is caused primarily by the incessant accumulation of discontinuity (right up through the yo yo-ing of Paul Pierce and the lineup)...and (2) manifestations such as glazed eyes are far more the effects rather than the cause of the problem.

People are certainly welcome to discount that proposition, but I'm the one who's unabashedly and eagerly anticipating the Celtics' immediate future. For those who aspire to misery, I know where they can rent the movie of the same name, make some popcorn, have Cathy Bates over, and wallow in it. Not I.

GO CELTICS!

Sam

sam,

I'm serious. I think they've been taken over by aliens.

bob

Could just be the sandbagging of the history too...

Come playoffs KG tears off that brace and Paul and Ray run like never before.

Sam wrote:Bob,

We're not making light of any glaze in the Celtics' eyes. But I started this nonsense in the hopes of diluting the doom and gloom a bit. We can bitch and moan all we want, but it won't change a thing.

Few seem to want to accept my theory that (1) the problem is largely executional and is caused primarily by the incessant accumulation of discontinuity (right up through the yo yo-ing of Paul Pierce and the lineup)...and (2) manifestations such as glazed eyes are far more the effects rather than the cause of the problem.

People are certainly welcome to discount that proposition, but I'm the one who's unabashedly and eagerly anticipating the Celtics' immediate future. For those who aspire to misery, I know where they can rent the movie of the same name, make some popcorn, have Cathy Bates over, and wallow in it. Not I.

GO CELTICS!

Sam

Sam,

Love to believe in that theory..............yet sounds like an excuse and an effect not a root cause.

Truth is an aging team without athleticism is expected to lose players to injury, it is a management issue if they were not attuned to this with preparations in place to deal with it.

If speed and athleticism are not added to the mix either at the deadline or over the summer next year does not bode well and as long term fans we ALL are both concerned and excited about it.

Just as I know you will, I know I, and I believe all here will root this team as far as they take us, and enjoy every step of the way. Wrong to categorize us as gloom 'n doomers is all.

Go Celts !

Tark

Sam,

I DO believe Rondo, Daniels and TA show great athleticism, speed and determination, and can be built around.

Daniels, admittedly in a small sample, has displayed skills that would make me consider his the expiring contract to be most urgent to extend.

Halftime here, and a bit of that same g & d to be noticed after a tough loss Wednesday.

In both cases the past and the future offer more promise of greatness and are 'glimmers' indeed.

All the best,

Tark

Tark
While we can all speculate on the reasons for the Celts failures this year, I for one, have no reason to believe that I can pinpoint the reasons. I prefer to rely on those with many years of coaching experience as well as the Celts present management team when it comes to analyzing the Celts needs.

I noted with interest,Tark,of your concern for the the near future of the Celts as the team ages. This is my greatest concern also.We were all aware that because of age that there were only a few years that the Celts could be expected to perform at a championship level. And now perhaps its time to retool. I'm sure glad that its not my call..but I thought it would be interesting to get a better understaning of the salary cap and free agency so I spent considerable time studing the salary cap and it is my opinion that Ainge can reap
the greatest reward by attempting to trade the big 3 during the february trade period in the year that their contract expires. Meaningful cap space will not be realized until Garnetts contract expires in 2012, and even then it will not be the bonanza that many expect.
GOOD LUCK DANNY AS YOU TRY TO KEEP THE CELTS RIDING HIGH.

Swish

i see the problems too - i'd just like to see them play better, especially showing more consistency from one period to the next within the same game !! Garnett was just quoted saying much the same ... "I do know consistency makes up for a lot and sooner the better - just got to play better. As we say, run through the line, finish the race, play 48 minutes, not in spurts. We’ve been giving up leads, and up until this year we haven’t had that problem. "

no, they haven't, not anything like this. but i will continue to be a booster, a rooter, a Celtics fan. i can only hope that Sam's expectation and prediction of a post-All-Star boost plays out. i'd sure welcome the resurgence ... i'd especially like to see them take one from the Nuggets when they visit here on the 21st, but they'll only be able to do that if they DO show that spark and consistency that's become so elusive lately.

Quis appears to be potentially a great contributor to our team. good D and it's fun to watch him cut n drive or post people up - he's been very effective in limited minutes. so i too think that re-signing him would be a plus ...

regrettably, no one seems to have been amused by my ref-conspiracy theory. ah, well. i suppose if i had been clearer about whether i was shooting for irony or satire, i might have gotten more of a response. but no matter - i enjoy this forum lots and will happily stick around, and will stick with our Celtics too.

best regards to all,
Michael