Interview With Danny Ainge

For months now we have been trying to secure an interview with Danny.  But he has been on the phone  trying to make more deals and has not had the time to share his thoughts with us.  A lot has happened since the last interview.  If you recall Boston was buried by a record breaking snowfall but Danny was able to maneuver through the blizzard thanks to another one of his thought provoking trades. …the Snowplow acquisition.

The weather is remarkably warm for this time of year so we thought it would be a good idea to conduct our interview outside.  Welcome to Carson Beach where we have everything set up and are just waiting for Danny to arrive.  We pulled the beach chairs out of storage and we have liberated some Corona’s and packed them in ice.  We do not need some plastic cooler but decided one of those stainless steel laundry bins would do the trick.  

I’ll be damn…I can see Danny making his way over to us a
nd this time he is riding a three wheeler.

Interviewer:  Danny you never cease to amaze us.  Where on earth did you get the 3 wheeler?  

Danny:  Oh I got this from Delonte.  He needed to supplement his income from his furniture store gig and since I needed to add more depth to my transportation portfolio I thought it was a good deal.  

Interviewer:  Do you still have the snowplow?

Danny:  yeah.  It’s parked in the garage but I have every intension of trading it in as soon as I can find a GM to answer the phone.  After the playoffs I was on the phone 24/7 trying to unload the plow.  I was willing to give up draft picks and players but no one was interested.   They wanted too much.  Finally I said no you cannot have our 2008 banner.

Interviewer:  Danny now that the trading season has begun the rumors are already swirling around.  We know you do not like to speculate about trades and other moves but fans all over the planet want to know.  We set up a Wi-Fi hotspot switchboard and have callers holding on lines 1-7.  Do you mind answering a few questions for them?

Danny:  Of course.  That’s why I’m here.

Interviewer:  Hello you are on line.  Please state your name and question.

Caller 1:  Hi this is Donald Trump.  Danny you need to tell us what you plan to do about small ball.  The American people and Celtics fans are scared shitless that small ball threatens their very existence.  

Danny:  Donald, I thought you were in Iowa.  This fear mongering is unnecessary and un-American.  Small people have as much right to play basketball as tall people.

Donald:  We need to measure everyone below 6 ft 5 inches and keep them out of the country and for those that are here we need to watch them closely.  We need to gather them up and ship them off to Midget Island.  I’m the frontrunner and you’re a girl that pees sitting down:

Danny:  Donald  I just sent a message to my bank to put a stop payment on my campaign contribution to you.  You’re a moron.  Small ball is here to stay but it is more than just small ball we want guys to space the floor and encourage them to shoot the ball from as far back as possible at every opportunity.  

Interviewer:  next caller.  Hello.. you’re on the line.

Caller # 2:  Hey player…This is Demarcus.  I didn’t appreciate all those hurtful things you said about me being disruptive on and off the court.  I am only disruptive on the court.    I know the Celtics fans want me in Boston but you act like you’re better than me.  I’m worth your entire roster and all of those lame draft picks.  

Danny:  No need to get upset.  I was speaking figuratively about the type of players that we want on the Celtics.  Talk to your buddy Rondo and he’ll set you straight.

Interviewer:  hello…you are live…What question do you have for Danny.

Caller # 3.  This is Ralph the Pizza guy.  Danny ever since you made Jared go on a diet my business has been in the red.  Pizza is really good for you.  It’s a complete meal and as long as you monitor the cheese intact there are absolutely no digestive side effects.  Free Jared Sullinger!

Danny:  Ralphie hung up.  You know I am very proud of jared.  But he did not lose any weight.  As a matter of fact he gained 25 more pounds.  The big difference is about his stamina.  He now has the stamina to control the motion and vibration of his butt that occurs when he is getting up and down the court.  The training staff came up with a new dietary supplement.  It’s call “don’t shake that Ass’  There are a few side effects like, itching, stinging, peeling, dry mouth, insomnia, nightmares, inclination for cross dressing and a fear of making 3 point shots.  Otherwise what’s not to like about it?

Interviewer:  You’re on the line.  Who are we speaking with?

Caller # 4.  This is Charles Barkley..  Danny how’s that golf game?  I got one thing to say.  You need to move the Celtics to Greenbow, Alabama.

Danny:  That guy has a horrible swing.

Interviewer;  next caller..speak up.

Caller # 5 Hi this is Mike from Swampscott.  I have a question for Danny.

Danny:  I’m listening.

Mike:  It seems like the Celtics are good but not good enough to be taken seriously.  What does the team need to get better?

Danny:  I have been saying the same thing for years.  We need a go-to-guy.  I tried to get Paul Pierce to sign with us during the off season but he had already agreed to play for Doc.  You know Doc is great.  He has assembled the best team he ever had.   The way I see it we still have a lot of chances to improve the team and I can assure you that we will not rest until we have what we need.  

I called the Chinese up but they want too much money for their fake basketball players.  I called Houston to see if Howard could be had but they would not answer the phone.  During the draft I called Michael Jordan.  I offered him free golf lessons for life and he refused me his pick.  I even offered to give him the snowplow and he just laughed at me and said you can’t check me.    Getting great players is very difficult and I am willing to do anything I can to make it happen.

Interviewer:  Hello caller # 6…You are on the line

Caller # 6  I cannot tell you my name as I wish to remain anonymous .  I have taped conversations from a high up figure that owns a certain NBA team that plans to lose every game for 10 more years.  My question to you is what is the league going to do about this.

Danny:  This sounds like the tanking question.  Tanking is a proven strategy to obtaining high draft picks but it is not the way we want to do business.  The Celtics have always prided themselves on winning not losing.   We have decided that after the draft,  NBA security will confiscate all draft picks from any team that tanks.  Then all of the remaining teams will be able to bid on these picks.  The Celtics have been acquiring assets to prepare for this auction.  We have more assets than anyone.

Interviewer;  Danny you want another beer?

Danny:  Sure…thanks..

Interviewer:  Caller # 7 you are on the line.  Please state your name and question for Danny.

Caller # 7 My name is Dr.  Woolford.  Danny why is coach Stevens not playing all of his good players.  

Danny:  Dr Woolford nice to hear from you.  Dr Woolford is the one who performs off season surgery on our players, staff and family members.  One of his notable successes was the work he did on Kelly Olynyk.  Kelly no longer has alligator arms.  During the off season a revolutionary bionic steel extension was developed by the good doctor and he was able to extend Kelly’s arm length by one whole inch.  That has given him a 2 inch longer wingspan.    His next project it to lengthen IT .  Next year IT will definitely be 6 feet tall.

As to your question.  Coach Stevens has too many guys that can play the same position.  Quite naturally some guys are not going to play but that’s the beauty of it.  We want guys on this team that are happy not to play.  We want guys that will sit on the bench and be happy.  We want guys to understand that  they get better each game that they do not play.  

Interviewer:  Well Danny time to wrap this one up.  We want to thank you for your time.  Do you have anything else to say to us Celtics fans?

Danny:  Celtics fans.  We appreciate your continued support for the team and for what we are trying to accomplish.  Know this…..The final key to the rebuild lies in a rather benign state.  It is not something you may think about and it is not something easily understood …once we are able to package the snowplow along with players, draft picks and other  insignificant attractions we will have all that we need to win  another Championship or 2.

dboss

Thanks Bobc

Dboss

We can always expect a seasonal treat like this from dboss.


bob


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LMAO!!!